


There Is Simply No Such Thing as a Free Decision for Anyone Wearing a Slave Collar

by AntagonizedPenguin



Series: How Best to Use a Sword [25]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Child Slaves, M/M, Pedophilia, Sexual Abuse, Slavery, not graphic but there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 06:32:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14099367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntagonizedPenguin/pseuds/AntagonizedPenguin
Summary: "I love you, Ian."There are a lot of differences between slaves and free people. One of them is that slaves are expected to say what free people want to hear."I love you too, Theo."





	There Is Simply No Such Thing as a Free Decision for Anyone Wearing a Slave Collar

**Author's Note:**

> Some backstory on a character who, in the main story, is rather enigmatic in many ways. This might clear at least a few things up, maybe. 
> 
> There are several mentions of pretty serious physical and sexual abuse of a child in this, but all are only mentioned rather than graphically depicted.

“I love you, Ian.”

“I love you too, Theo.”

At eight years old, Ian didn’t really understand what that meant, and what it meant to say that. He just knew that love meant you really liked someone, and that whenever someone said it, the other person always said it back. 

Theodore was his best friend, and so when he said it, Ian said it back.

He knew he and Theodore were different, if only because Theodore didn’t wear a collar. That meant he wasn’t a slave and could do whatever he wanted, and Ian had to be respectful to him and not make him mad. Theodore always said that didn’t matter because they were friends and besides, he couldn’t really do whatever he wanted because he had to spend all day hunting for crabs outside of town to bring to his dad to sell, just like Ian had to spend all day hunting for them to bring back to his Master. 

He didn’t mind. It was fun, getting to spend his days with Theodore. Even when it was cold. They had contests to see who could catch the most crabs and then Theodore always gave Ian one of his so Ian would have more. He was the nicest person Ian knew.

Theodore beamed when Ian said that back to him, and he hugged Ian. “I hope you’ll always be my best friend,” he said to Ian.

“Me too, Theo,” Ian said. “I promise I will.”

“Me too.”

\---

“I love you, Ian.”

By the time Ian was eleven, Ian still didn’t quite understand what that meant, but he was starting to understand more of what the difference was between himself and Theodore. He didn’t see Theodore as often anymore, because Theodore wasn’t always down here finding crabs every day. Now sometimes he went with his father to lay bricks, which was more important. But he came down whenever he could to see Ian, and to sell the crabs he found to make a little bit of money on his own. He said he was saving it up. 

Ian was still here catching crabs even though it was a younger slave’s duty, really, and that was okay. It meant he got to see Theodore still, and it meant that he didn’t have to worry too much about going in the Master’s son’s room to clean, which he’d started doing a lot of. The Master’s son liked to close the door while Ian was in there, and it made Ian feel weird and closed-in in a way he really didn’t like. 

Fortunately for Ian, the Mistress really didn’t seem to like it either and insisted that Ian be sent on tasks that would take him out of the house as often as possible. 

Ian didn’t mind it. He liked spending his time with Theodore and would be sad if he had to stop seeing his best friend. He didn’t get to save up money and think about the future, though. He money he made selling the crabs still went to the Master, carefully counted. He was only here because they wanted him to be and he knew it. He may have wanted it, but it was just coincidence that he was allowed to have what he wanted. 

And that was the difference between Theodore and Ian. On some level, even if it was small, Theodore got to do what he wanted at least some of the time. Ian never did. He wasn’t allowed to decide for himself what he wanted, because he was a slave, and that was all he’d ever be. 

Ian was property. Theodore was a person. That was the difference between them. Ian understood that now. 

People got to do what they wanted. Property had to do what was expected of them. 

So Ian smiled, crouched in the waves, looking over at Theodore. “I love you too, Theo.”

\---

“I love you, Ian.” 

“I love you too, Theo.” 

It was totally automatic by the time Ian was twelve, he didn’t even hear himself say it anymore. By this point he understood what those words meant, he did. And he also understood, very fully, what being a slave meant. 

It meant that he didn’t complain or cry when the Master’s son took Ian into his bed. It meant that he did whatever he was told, no matter how much he didn’t want to. It meant that he ignored his feeling of _I don’t want to_ until it went completely away, because what he wanted didn’t matter, and never would. 

It meant that when the Master decided to punish his son for some transgression by hitting Ian and making his back bleed, Ian didn’t say anything except “I’m sorry,” even if he hadn’t done anything wrong. It meant the Mistress could slap him and say what happened to him was his fault and he didn’t do anything except nod. It meant that the Master’s son could lend him to a friend.

It meant that Ian’s body wasn’t his own to decide what to do with. And it never would be. When Theodore came to the beach with a black eye or a split lip from his father or another boy in town, he got to hit back or run away or cry or do _something_ , but Ian couldn’t do those things. 

That was the difference between him and Theodore, the real difference. Theodore could plan and dream and want things and get angry when he didn’t get them. Ian was only allowed to do and think what other people wanted him to. 

Theodore grinned at him, bright. He was getting prettier as he got older. “You know, um…” he trailed off, looked nervous. Then he smiled again. “I’ve been saving up money. But it’s slow, and it’s a lot of work, and I’ve been thinking about how to save up more.”

“You think so much,” Ian told him, eyes on the rocks. He only got to hunt crabs until dusk now, so he wanted to get as many as he could. 

“Thinking’s how you get stuff done,” Theodore told him sagely. “My dad never thinks, and look at him. I have an idea. There’s this man with a vegetable stall on the edge of the market near where we’ve been laying brick the last little while. I think I’m going to buy it.”

Ian made a face. “What are you going to do with a bunch of vegetables?” 

“No, no. The stall, I’m going to buy the stall.”

“You’re going to become a merchant?”

Theodore laughed. He’d been laughing at Ian a lot lately. “No, silly. I think I know how the man who runs it can make more money. I’m going to buy the stall, show him how and get him to give me some of the extra money.”

“Oh.” Ian didn’t understand how that was going to make Theodore a lot of money, but he nodded. 

“I think it’s going to work. If it does I’ll buy another stall and…” Theodore shrugged. “I don’t want to work for my dad anymore. I don’t want to live in Red Tusk anymore. I’m going to make a lot of money, and buy a big house in Merket.”

Ian couldn’t help but smile. Theodore had always been full of silly dreams like that, but of course Ian couldn’t call them silly. “That would be nice.”

“I’d take you with me,” Theodore said, patting Ian’s arm. “Wouldn’t that be great? We could live together in the house and do whatever we wanted!”

It was a nice idea, Ian thought. He nodded, giving a little laugh. “That would be great.”

It was never going to happen. Ian couldn’t do whatever he wanted. He couldn’t go wherever he wanted. He just couldn’t. And he didn’t think Theodore fully realized that. There were a lot of things about being a slave Theodore didn’t know. Ian had never told him about the bedroom, or the beating or anything. It would just make him sad. 

“Yeah, it would be…” Theodore fell quiet, hand slipping down Ian’s arm to land on Ian’s hand. “I love you, Ian.”

“I love you too, Theo.”

Theodore nodded, and he turned his head, leaning in to Ian, and…

Ian saw the kiss coming a second too late, and he fell backwards in time to avoid it, eyes going wide and a spark of something like fear shooting up from his belly. Theodore blinked down at him, surprised. “Ian? I…I thought…”

He was going to get mad, Ian realized, scared. Ian wasn’t supposed to stop free people from doing what they wanted. He wasn’t… “I…I’m not allowed!” he managed to get out, before Theodore could finish talking. “I’m not allowed. M-my Master would…”

“Oh,” Theodore said, hanging his head. “Right, of course. I’m sorry, Ian.” He held out his hand. “I wasn’t trying to get you in trouble.”

Ian tried not to appear hesitant as he let Theodore help him up. “I know. I…I’m sorry, Theo. I didn’t mean to…” The crabs Ian had collected had fallen out of his basket, and he crouched to scoop them up before they escaped. 

“It’s okay. Does…” Theodore paused, standing and watching Ian. “Would he hurt you? Your Master?”

Ian shrugged. “If I disobeyed him.”

He’d never actually been told he wasn’t allowed to let someone kiss him. He was lying to Theodore, trying not to shake as he did. If Theodore found out he’d be angry, and Ian would lose his only friend. 

“Does he do it a lot?”

“I belong to him,” Ian said, not looking up. “He can do whatever he wants to me.”

“Oh.” Theodore was quiet for a while until Ian had finished picking up all the crabs, and had stood up. He was all wet, and would probably get yelled at when he returned. 

“I should…go.” Ian stood there in front of Theodore, soaking wet in his thin slave linen. Theodore was more warmly dressed in nice boots and clothes that were thick and in more than one colour, like what labourers wore. Much nicer than he’d been wearing when he was younger. He’d bought them himself. 

“Yeah, okay.” Theodore nodded, distracted. “Ian. I…I’m going to help you.”

“You…Theo, you can’t.” It was a nice thing to say, one that made Ian warm. But it was a stupid thing to say from such a smart person.

Theodore smiled at him now. “I can. I’ll get you away from him, I promise. I’ll make a lot of money and then…”

“Okay,” Ian said, when Theodore trailed off. “We’ll live in that house together.”

“Yeah. I love you, Ian.”

“I love you too, Theo.” 

It was a nice idea, Ian thought as he made his way back to the house. But it wasn’t going to happen. Ian was property, and he always would be. 

\---

Ian was fourteen when he was summoned from cleaning pots in the kitchen with a hand on his shoulder. “Ian.”

He looked up, smiled at Irma, the head cook. She was nice to him, and always had been. She only hit him when he’d done something wrong, and even then only if nobody else had hit him that day, and when he’d been younger she’d kept him away from tasks that were too dangerous for a child so he didn’t end up with scars or injuries. 

Sometimes, Ian liked to pretend she was his mother, even though his mother had been a slave who’d sold him at five years old in barter for her own freedom and run off. “Yes?”

“The Master’s summoned you to his study, lad,” Irma said, tugging Ian away from the pots. “Change your clothes and go see what he wants.”

Ian nodded, though they both knew what he wanted. He wanted to whip Ian for something his son had done. Again. Quickly so as not to incur greater pain for being late, Ian stripped out of his dirty kitchen clothes right there and handed them off to Irma, crossing over to the cupboard in just his slim steel collar to get a new linen before heading for the doors of the kitchen. “I’ll finish the pots when I come back.”

“You take a lie-down if you need one, Ian.”

Ian nodded. She always said that, even when it would leave her without help. “I’ll finish the pots when I come back,” he repeated, before stepping out of the kitchen, and heading for the Master’s study as fast as he could while keeping the sedate pace of a slave. The quicker he got there, the quicker it would be over. 

The Master’s study was a large room with a lot of furniture in it, mostly shelves and his big desk. He was a stern-looking man with a wide mustache who didn’t look up when Ian slipped into the room after a quiet knock. Ian didn’t say anything, just waited for the Master’s attention. Even when summoned, a slave wasn’t to interrupt. 

After a minute or so the Master spoke. “Take off your clothes.”

Ian did as he was told, eyes on the floor. He hadn’t noticed the crop anywhere in the room, which was strange. Maybe the Master was going to do something else to him. As Ian removed his linen and folded it, the Master stood, came around the desk, something thick and metal in his hand. He stopped right in front of Ian, reaching up and winding his hand around the back of Ian’s neck. 

This was unusual, but Ian didn’t say anything. Slaves didn’t speak unless spoken too. 

With a click, the Master undid Ian’s collar and removed it from his neck. Ian blinked. A moment later, the metal thing in the Master’s hand was fitted, which Ian realized was a different collar. A heavier, iron one that slaves who’d just been bought from the market wore. He’d seen a few of them come into the house. 

With a clunk, the Master set Ian’s collar on his desk beside his linen, picked up a scrap of paper. “With me,” he instructed, leaving the study. 

He was being sold, Ian realized. That was the only thing that made sense. They were selling him. Maybe the Mistress had finally convinced him to get rid of Ian, not liking what her son was doing with Ian behind his bedroom door. “He’d be better off in a brothel,” she’d said a few times, “or in a mine where he’ll be of use.” 

Maybe that was where he was going. To a brothel or a mine, but definitely to another Master, to somewhere else. He’d lived here all his life, even before he was sold. Ian had never been anywhere else for more than a few hours. 

He was never going to see Irma again. Or any of the other slaves, or anyone here. Or the Master’s son. Never again. 

Ian didn’t cry, didn’t do anything but follow quietly. That was what property did. 

“Father!” Ian didn’t look up at the Master’s son’s voice. A year older than Ian and tall with it, he was coming down the hall to meet them. “What’s going on? Where are you taking him?”

“I’ve sold him,” the Master said, simply. He didn’t talk much. 

“But…”

“It’s already done, son. Leave off.”

“Father, you can’t!” he reached out and grabbed Ian’s arm, only to be pushed back by the Master. “Father!”

“I’ll get you a new one, boy. I’ve sold Ian. By God, he’s only a slave. There’s no need to get worked up.”

“But…”

Taking Ian by the arm, the Master pulled him away, towards the door. “Never should have let him spend time with you,” he grumbled as he dragged Ian down the hall. 

Ian didn’t say anything, too shocked to answer even if he’d been supposed to. The Master’s son had sounded upset. Had he actually cared about Ian? Ian had always assumed he was just using him to sate his needs.

It didn’t matter. Soon they were at the front door, which the Master pulled open and took Ian outside. He led Ian down the walk, to the low wall, where he could see a carriage waiting. 

To take him away from the only home he’d ever had. 

The Master let go of Ian’s arm as they crossed through the gates. “Here he is,” he said. 

Standing in front of the carriage in soft clothes the looked hard to wash, Theodore smiled. “Excellent.” His expression faltered for a second when he saw Ian, but his smile went back in place. 

Theodore had bought Ian. Ian didn’t know what to say, so he just…stood there and watched him. 

“You’ll want to spend your money more wisely in the future, lad,” the Master said to Theodore, gruffly. “You paid far more than he’s worth.”

Theodore turned a smile on the Master, a fake one that didn’t look anything at all like the real smiles he was used to seeing on Theodore’s face. Or maybe it was his real smile. Ian hadn’t seen Theodore in almost two years. He’d disappeared from the beach not long after he’d tried to kiss Ian, and Ian had had no way of knowing where he’d gone. “I’m sorry you think that,” he said to the Master, holding out his hand for Ian. 

With a little push on his back, Ian stepped forward, and Theodore put a hand on his shoulder. “Into the carriage,” he said softly, nodding at the Master. “Thank you.”

“Enjoy him,” the Master said, shrugging as he headed back into the house. Ten years Ian had been his property, and just like that he wasn’t. And he didn’t care. Why should he?

In shock, Ian went into the waiting carriage, stood awkwardly between the benches until Theodore followed him in. Theodore shut the carriage door, rapped on the wall and then hugged Ian, wrapping arms around him tightly. “Oh, God, Ian.”

“Th-Theodore?” Ian asked in a whisper. “You…”

“I promised I’d get you away from him,” Theodore said, just as quiet. “I only wish I hadn’t taken so long. I saw the marks on your back. I…I’m sorry.”

He sounded it. Ian hugged him back. “It’s not your fault. Why did you…you shouldn’t have wasted money on me.” More than he was worth, apparently. Ian wondered idly how much that was. 

“It’s not a waste. And my businesses are doing well, I can afford it. I’d have come sooner, but my father died, and I had to track you down, and wait until you went out so I could pretend I’d seen you so we didn’t get in trouble for consorting, and…” Theodore shook his head. “I took too long, I’m sorry.”

“No, no.” There had been marks on Ian’s back since long before that. “I’m sorry you went to all the trouble.” 

Ian had never really believed that Theodore was going to come get him. But here he was, taking him away. Maybe they were going to live in that house in the city after all, together. Theodore would…Theodore was his friend. He’d free Ian, and they’d live together. 

He’d free Ian. He was going to free Ian. He had to be. That was why he’d bought him, because that way it wasn’t against the rules. Theodore could do whatever he wanted with his property, including free it. 

“It’s no trouble,” Theodore said, pulling away from Ian and sitting down, tugging Ian to sit with him. “It’s never any trouble, Ian. I love you.”

“I love you too, Theo…Master.”

A laugh. “Just Theo is fine, silly.” His hand traced Ian’s collar. “This is really ugly. It doesn’t suit you.” 

He was going to take it off. He was going to free Ian. Ian tried not to look too excited, too scared. He didn’t know what he’d do if he were free. He didn’t even really fully know what being free meant. 

With a click, the iron collar came off, and Theodore set it down on the bench beside him. Ian smiled. Theodore smiled back. “I’ll get you a prettier one.”

Ian kept his smile in place even as he wanted to frown. That wasn’t right. Maybe he meant it as a joke. Theodore wasn’t going to keep him a slave. He was going to free Ian. 

“I don’t have the big house yet,” Theodore said, running his hand absently down Ian’s arm. “But I have a small one in the Green Quarter. You’ll like it.” He grinned. “There’s only one bed, though.”

Ian smiled back. He had to, until he was free, he had to. “Is it big enough for both of us?”

Theodore leaned in, kissed Ian on the mouth. This time Ian saw it coming and didn’t back away. He let Theodore kiss him. Let his Master kiss him. “I imagine we’ll fit. I love you, Ian.”

Ian chuckled, nodding. “I love you too, Theo.”

And Ian waited, and waited, all that day, for a moment that he realized later wasn’t coming. Later, as he lay in Theodore’s bed, letting Theodore touch him and do what he wanted, as Theodore had Ian’s body, Ian realized it. Theodore wasn’t his friend anymore. He was Ian’s new Master. 

\---

“You’re going to like Merket, I promise,” Theodore said, kissing the side of Ian’s head. 

Ian nodded. He was fifteen years old and he was moving to a city he’d only ever heard of to the big house Theodore had bought for them there. “I know. You keep telling me, Theo.”

“I keep meaning it, Ian,” Theodore said back. “It’s a great city, and you’re going to love the house. Is there anything you want when we get there? I’ll get it for you.”

Theodore was always doing that. He was always buying things for Ian. Always spending money on Ian. It was a little embarrassing. 

Ian smiled. Once he might have thought that all he wanted was freedom, but that wasn’t true. After he’d given up on wanting things that were unrealistic a few months after Theodore had bought him, he’d been much happier. He didn’t have to work or get hit or do anything except spend time with his best friend. This was much better than before. “I’d like a room,” he said. “With windows, so I can look outside.” 

Theodore looked at him funny like he always did, but he smiled. “I think I can manage that, if that’s all you want from the greatest city in the north.”

White Cape was the biggest and most important city in the area, but everyone knew White Cape didn’t count as a northern city, because they’d bowed to the southern queen early in the war in which the kingdom that had used to be up here had been swallowed by Dolovai a thousand years ago. Every northerner knew that, even Ian. That was why Theodore hadn’t even considered moving to White Cape as his businesses got larger and made him more money—it would be better business-wise, according to him. But leaving the real north was out of the question. 

Once, Ian might have wanted to move to White Cape, where there were no slaves and everyone was free. But now, he just wanted to live where Theodore lived. 

He smiled at Theodore. “Let’s also have one of those places where you can walk out of your window and go outside.”

“A balcony?” Theodore kissed Ian. “The house has three.”

Ian grinned. “Then I’m happy as long as you’re going to be there.”

Theodore laughed, and he kissed Ian again, on the mouth this time. Ian kissed back. “I love you, Ian.”

“I love you too, Theo,” Ian said, and he was starting to think he meant it. 

\---

“I love you, Ian,” Theodore muttered, as, satisfied and sticky, they cuddled together under the blankets in their huge, soft bed. It had curtains around it and everything. 

“I love you too, Theo,” Ian said, kissing Theodore on the cheek. He did. He really did. Ian understood, at sixteen, what loving someone meant. And he loved Theodore. The silver collar on his neck didn’t bother him anymore. He would be happy, like this for the rest of his life. 

Theodore nodded absently, hand running down Ian’s arm, tugging at the hair there. Not painfully, just playing with it as he thought. “Ian?”

“Yeah?” Theodore sometimes got like this after sex, thoughtful. He liked to think through his problems out loud, whatever work thing was troubling him, get Ian’s thoughts. Ian didn’t have any grand insights, but he’d say what he thought and usually Theodore would smile and pretend that he’d said something really smart. 

“Do…you know that I won’t get upset with you, no matter what you say, right?”

Ian frowned. That was a funny thing to say. “I know.” Theodore never got upset with Ian.

“Do you dislike having sex with me?”

Ian’s frown deepened, and he lifted his head, looking at Theodore. “What? No, of course not.” He hadn’t much liked it at first, but Theodore had gotten better at it and Ian had learned to enjoy sex over the last few years. He was happy to do it with Theodore. 

Though he had noticed Theodore was less insistent than usual the last few weeks. 

“It’s all right if you don’t,” Theodore assured him. “I just don’t want to feel like I’m forcing you to do anything you don’t like.”

“You’re not,” Ian said, shaking his head.

“You can tell me if…”

“Theodore,” Ian said, swinging up, straddling Theodore. “Do you not want to have sex with me anymore?”

Theodore looked up at him, smiled. “Of course I do, Ian.”

Theodore wasn’t hard underneath Ian, which he would have been a year ago. 

“Then stop,” Ian said, leaning down and kissing Theodore again. “I love you, Theo.”

“I love you too, Ian,” Theodore said, kissing back. 

They kissed for a while until Theodore stopped being worried, and then they went to sleep, Ian on Theodore’s chest. Idly, he looked down at his arm in the moonlight, considering shaving. 

\---

When Ian was seventeen years old, Theodore bought his second slave. 

Benny was thirteen or fourteen, about the same age Ian had been when Theodore had bought him. But he was fresh from a slave market, only sold into slavery last month. Ian was waiting for Theodore at the door, knowing he’d gone out shopping. He hadn’t known that Theodore had been planning to come back with a naked boy who’d just had an iron collar taken off his neck. 

“Do you not like him?” Theodore asked, drawing Ian away a little, leaving Benny standing in the doorway for a moment. He was shaking. “You’re making a face.”

“I…” Ian shook his head. “I’m sure he’s nice. Just…why?”

Part of him couldn’t help but notice that Benny was about as different as a person could be from Ian physically speaking. Blonde and a bit ruddy where Ian was dark haired and pale, stocky where Ian was slender, taller than Ian had been at that age. He looked terrified. 

“I just…liked the look of him,” Theodore admitted, smiling nervously. “I’m sorry, Ian, I should have told you before I brought someone home. It’s important in Merket to show that you can afford things like slaves if you’re going to be taken seriously, and I need people to take me seriously.”

All Ian heard was _things like slaves_ , and he nodded. It had been a while since he’d been reminded that he wasn’t a person. It stung, a little. “Are you going to have sex with him?”

“I…” Theodore paused. “I figured he could help with the housework.” They had a few servants who cleaned the house. Theodore’s business had been growing a lot lately. He’d been talking about buying a bigger house again. 

“That’s not an answer to the question, Theo,” Ian pressed.

“You’re too smart,” Theodore muttered, shaking his head. “I still worry that you don’t really want to have sex with me, Ian. I just figured I could spare you if you really don’t…”

“Theo, I told you I do. Why don’t you believe me?” Ian knew why Theodore didn’t believe him. It was because it wasn’t Ian who didn’t want to have sex anymore. 

“Because I think you’re more worried about making me happy than your own happiness, Ian,” Theodore told him, kissing Ian on the cheek. “It’s one of the reasons I love you. I’m sorry. If it bothers you I’ll take him back to the market.”

“No, don’t to that,” Ian sighed. Nobody should have to go back to a slave market. “He’s just…young.”

“Younger than you were when I bought you,” Theodore said, nodding. “Just a little. I want to make sure nobody ever puts marks on his back like the ones you have, Ian. That’s all. You didn’t deserve that and neither does he.”

“Yeah,” Ian said, nodding. He barely thought about his scars except when Theodore brought them up. They were just part of him. He’d never told Theodore about why he had them or what else had been done to him before. Ian chuckled. “I wish you weren’t such a nice person, Theo. Makes it hard to be mad at you.”

Theodore smiled. “Perhaps that was my goal. Thank you, Ian. I love you.”

Ian shook his head, smiling. “I love you too, Theo. I’m going to take him and give him a bath. Maybe we should find out what he likes to eat and have the cook make it for supper, so he’s less scared.” 

“That’s a good idea,” Theodore said, squeezing Ian’s hand. “I wouldn’t have thought of that.”

Ian just shrugged. It wasn’t that hard to be nice. “Benny,” he called, waving him over. “Come on over here, okay?”

“Yes, Master,” Benny muttered, looking at the floor. 

“Don’t be silly,” Ian told him, tugging his silver collar. He wondered if Theodore would have one made for Benny too. “I’m not anyone’s master. Just call me Ian. Come on, we’re going to go have a bath. What do you like to eat?”

\---

It was six months before Benny ended up in Theodore’s bed. 

Ian was eighteen years old and he was surprised it had taken that long. 

He just stood there in the doorway, having been busy directing the people who’d been bringing in all the new furniture Theodore had had made for the downstairs rooms. And he’d come up to their bedroom, and there Theodore was, on top of and inside Benny. 

He looked more enthusiastic than he had been with Ian for years. 

Ian must have made a noise, because Theodore looked up at him, froze. “Ian.”

“Hi.”

“I can…”

“It’s fine, Theo.” It wasn’t fine. Ian was hurt, more deeply than he’d expected to be. But he wasn’t surprised. 

“No, it’s…Benny, go back to your…” 

“No,” Ian said, holding up his hand as Theodore pulled out of Benny. He shook his head. Benny made a noise. “No. Benny, you shouldn’t walk, you’re going to…I’ll go sleep in the guest room, Theo.”

“Ian!”

Ian left the bedroom, shut the door behind him. He started down the hall, tears in his eyes, wishing he could be mad at Theodore instead of Benny, whose fault it wasn’t. 

A few seconds later the bedroom door crashed open and Theodore came flying down the hall after him, panting, still hard and in his bathrobe, not done up. “Ian.”

“It’s fine, Theo. You shouldn’t leave him alone. His first time should be good. He should remember it and smile, not…” Ian shook his head, trying to stop crying. He shouldn’t be upset about this. He was a slave, and so was Benny. Theodore could do what he wanted to either of them. He’d forgotten that for a while. 

“Ian, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You didn’t mean for me to find out, Theo,” Ian corrected, shaking his head. He’d stopped walking to talk to Theodore. “You could have told me you were going to do it. I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

“It’s not that,” Theodore insisted. “I just don’t want you to have to bear the burden of my libido when you don’t like it, Ian. That’s all it is.”

“Theo, if you’re going to lie to me, at least stop lying to yourself,” Ian pleaded, the hurt look on Theodore’s face sending pangs through his heart. “You don’t want to have sex with me anymore. That’s what it is and you know it. You…” He sighed. 

“I what?” Theodore asked, watching Ian. 

“You wanted someone younger than me,” Ian said, giving Theodore a shrug. “He’s the same age I was when you first touched me. I’m a man now, and you want to have sex with a boy. That’s all.”

“I…” Theodore squeezed his eyes shut, covering part of his face with his hand. “I know. And I know what that makes me. And I…I tried, Ian. I tried so hard not to. But I…that’s who I’m attracted to. That’s who I imagine when I think about sex. It’s…I try not to, I swear.”

“I know, Theo,” Ian said softly. As awful as it was, Theodore couldn’t help wanting what he wanted. He could help getting what he wanted, but he couldn’t help wanting it. 

“I love you,” Theodore cried. “I love you so much, Ian, I really do. But I don’t want to touch you. And I hate myself because of that. And I convinced myself that you didn’t want to touch me either, and that I could just…that Benny was just a slave, so it didn’t matter if I…” he shook his head, falling quiet. 

Ian pulled Theodore forward into a hug. “If Benny’s just a slave,” he asked quietly, still crying a little. “What does that make me, Theo?”

“No, that’s not what I…” Theodore shook his head. “You’re different, Ian. You’re different. I love you.”

“I love you too, Theo, I really do,” Ian said, holding Theodore. “But I was just a slave the first time someone touched me like that too.”

“I…” Theodore looked at Ian, eyes watering. “I didn’t want to make you feel like…”

Ian just shook his head. “You didn’t, Theodore. You didn’t.”

“Oh. Oh, Ian…” Theodore’s arms came up around Ian now, and Theodore buried his face in Ian’s neck. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t…I wanted to stop that from happening to you.”

Ian already wished he hadn’t said anything. “It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault, Theo. Just…be kind to Benny, please? Don’t let his first time be with someone who thinks he’s just a slave who doesn’t matter.” 

“Oh, God,” Theodore nodded, and he pulled back from the hug. “I don’t deserve you, Ian. I…I love you, so much.”

“I love you too, Theo,” Ian said, holding Theodore’s hands for a second, and letting them go. “Even without sex, I love you.”

“Thank you,” Theodore whispered, taking a steadying breath. “I should…I left Benny in there by himself.”

“You should go. I’ll sleep in the guest bedroom tonight. Be kind to him, Theodore. Be gentle with him.”

Theodore nodded, kissed Ian on the cheek. “Thank you,” he said again, before going back to the bedroom. 

Ian waited until he was safely behind the bedroom door to break down, to start crying, to stop trying to control himself. 

\---

By the time Ian was nineteen, Benny was sleeping in Theodore’s bed every night, and Ian had taken the guest bedroom as his own. 

Benny was a nice kid, friendly and quiet and devoted to Theodore in a way that frankly didn’t make sense to Ian. Ian had quietly hated him for a few weeks, but ultimately he’d realized it wasn’t worth it. He was, like Theodore had said, just a slave.

Just like Ian was. 

He and Theodore still spent a lot of time together during the day, talking about Theodore’s work and their plans for the house and all manner of things. They were together in every way except for sexually, and Ian was okay with that, he was. Because what he wanted didn’t matter, and he was happy just to be around Theodore. 

He watched them a lot, though, and he could see it happening, slowly. Theodore was getting less interested in Benny. Paying him just a little less attention. Seeming just a little less excited about touching him. Benny was growing more hair on his arms and legs, on his groin.

Ian gave it another month or so before Theodore came home with another slave who he’d just ‘liked the look of.’ 

And Ian wasn’t sure if he could watch Theodore do it again. He loved Theodore, he did. But was he going to have to spend his life watching Theodore just keep buying younger boys? Was he going to be happy with the person he loved sleeping with anyone but him? 

Ian didn’t know, but he supposed it also didn’t matter. 

“Ian,” Theodore said one day, sounding nervous as he called. He pulled Ian into his study and closed the door. “I…want to talk to you about something.”

“Okay,” Ian said, smiling. He knew what this was. Theodore was going to buy another boy, earlier than he’d thought. At least he was going to tell Ian this time. 

“I…” Theodore swallowed, looking around the room, everywhere but at Ian. He’d grown into such a handsome man. “I love you, Ian.”

“I love you too, Theo,” Ian said, shaking his head. “It’s okay, just say it.”

It wasn’t like Ian could be hurt any more than he already had been. 

“I…” Theodore frowned. “What do you think I’m going to say?”

“You’re about to tell me you want to buy another slave, right?” Ian asked, smiling gently. 

Theodore shook his head, looking at the floor. “No, not that. I…well, I have been thinking about that. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about.”

“Okay…” Now Ian wasn’t sure what was happening. Theodore was good at surprising him, even after all this time. “Then what?”

“I want to get married.” 

Ian blinked, feeling like he’d been hit by something. “To who?”

A chuckle. “To you, Ian.”

That something that had hit him came around for another run. “Um…what?”

“Yeah…I love you,” Theodore said, rushed. “And I know, that it hurts, that I can’t show it to you the way I used to. But I want to show you in a different way. I want everyone to see that I love you even if you’re not in my bed. Please marry me, Ian.”

Ian struggled to find words. “Well…I love you too, Theo. B-but, slaves can’t marry free people.” Ian knew that. Slaves couldn’t marry anyone, actually. It was one of the many things forbidden to them. 

“I know.” Theodore swallowed, and he turned, pacing. Or, as it turned out, heading for his desk. He came back with a paper, which he pressed into Ian’s hand. “Here.”

“What’s this?”

“It’s…your manumission paper.”

“Manu…I don’t know what that is, Theo.” Theodore often forgot that Ian wasn’t as smart as he was. 

“It’s…” Theodore reached over, arms around Ian’s neck. And he took Ian’s collar off. “Manumission means freeing a slave. I’m freeing you, Ian. So we can get married.”

“I…” Ian was speechless. Theodore was…Theodore was freeing him. He was setting Ian free. 

Ian wasn’t a slave anymore.

“You’re joking,” Ian said, shaking his head. He felt light, and empty and something else, all at once. “It’s not funny, Theo.”

“It’s not a joke, Ian.” Theodore pointed at the paper. “This paper says it. I had someone come in and make sure I did it properly. You’re a free person as of today.”

“I’m…free?” Ian took deep breaths. He felt tiny. “Oh, my God. Theo…”

“I know.” Theodore smiled. “I should have done it a while ago. I love you so much, Ian. And…will you marry me?”

Ian started to nod, to say yes, to throw his arms around Theodore and cry. 

And then he remembered Benny, and he remembered the other slave Theodore was planning to buy. Being married would mean a lifetime of watching that happen, again and again and again. 

And now Ian didn’t have to. Now Ian had a choice in the matter. 

“Ian?”

“No.” It was quiet, something lower than a whisper. Ian looked at the paper in his hand as he said it, and after he had, he wasn’t sure it had been aloud. 

“What?” Theodore asked, voice cutting through the silence in Ian’s head. 

“I…I don’t want to,” Ian said, a little louder. He was free now. He could want things. “I don’t want to marry you.”

“Oh.” Theodore sounded disappointed, and looked it too. “Okay…we don’t have to. It was just…an idea.”

“I’m…” Ian wasn’t used to thinking this fast. He felt like his whole life was folding out in front of him. So many choices, so many options he’d never had before. 

And for once, only some of them involved Theodore. “I’m going to go.”

Ian wasn’t sure his choice was the right one, or a good one. Because Ian had never made a choice before. Now he was making one. 

“What? Where are you…”

“I don’t know,” Ian said, shaking his head. “Somewhere. I’m going to leave now.”

“You can’t, Ian.”

“Yes, I can.” Ian held up the paper. It trembled with his hand. “I can do whatever I want, Theo.”

“But…” Theodore’s heart was breaking, it was on his face. It made Ian’s heart break too. 

“I can’t,” Ian told him. “I can’t stay here and watch you…replace me, over and over. I can’t stay here while you hurt more boys. I can’t stay here with you anymore, Theo.”

He wanted to. Ian wanted to stay here, but he knew if he did he’d just get hurt, over and over and over again. And now he didn’t have to. 

“Ian, please think about this.”

“I’ve…been thinking about this my whole life, Theo.” Ian managed a shaky smile, tears slipping down his cheeks. “I’m leaving.”

“No.” Theodore shook his head. “No, Ian. Please.” He put a hand on Ian’s arm, to keep him there. In his other hand, he still held Ian’s collar. “I love you, Ian.” 

“Goodbye, Theodore.” Ian turned, pulling away from Theodore and pulling the door open. 

“Were…you lying to me?” Theodore asked, as Ian stepped over the threshold. His hand clamped down on Ian’s wrist. “The whole time?”

Ian paused, stood there with one foot in the hallway. He nodded, a lie. “Yes.”

He heard Theodore’s breath hitch, and Ian was glad Theodore couldn’t see his face. Theodore’s hand fell from his wrist. “I wasn’t,” he whispered, voice cracking. “I honestly do love you.”

Ian nodded one more time. “I know you do, Theo. Goodbye.”

And he set off down the hall. Not running, but at a quick pace. “You can come back!” Theodore called. “If you change your mind, I’ll be here! I love you, Ian!”

Ian wasn’t coming back. He didn’t answer. He just left. He didn’t go to his room, didn’t gather his things. They were all Theodore’s things. He had nothing with him but his clothes. And Ian left Theodore’s house, walking, free to walk, free to go wherever he wanted. Ian was going to go wherever he wanted.

And as he crossed through Theodore’s front doors, never looking back, Ian whispered, “I love you too, Theo.”


End file.
